These Walls We've Built

Like distant relatives with ill intentions we continue our sorrowful gaze.
The connection among us is not full circle
He likes her better
She identifies with him and he identifies with her better
She told her this and he told her that so it’s better
They started a secret club that’s only passable with certain qualifications
Such as the improbable to obtain only by birth
They started a secret club to degenerate others
And exonerate themselves
They keep on hating
Keep on faking it
Keep on justifying ignorance as self-worth
The phrase
“we’re all in this together”
doesn’t apply at all here
Doesn’t even come close here
When you set up walls around you
You forget to look deeper into yourself
Your thoughts freeze at their most poignant and your resiliency is put on hold.
Your head becomes hard
And your view becomes narrow
Your dreams for unity and peace are limited
Once the walls you’ve built hold strong like the guild of hate behind you
Sooner or later you stop challenging yourself
And settle for the easiest act of justified emotion
You stop dealing with the possible
And you end all hopes for the positive
Based on the walls you’ve built
Judgment says you can’t let anyone in
So you push the open hearts away
And you keep yours hidden in your chest
You stop whispering to g-d
And start yelling at your wife
Hell becomes your reality when you realize the walls
You’ve built have become too thick to live life freely
You’ll have to start all over
You’ll have to ask yourself what do I want to be remembered for?
　

'Ryan' 7/23/10

he gave me a piece of his mind
last night I dreamed that I was like him
trying so hard to formulate the words to converse with others
trying so hard to understand my surroundings and appropriate my behavior
to adjust to the social settings around me
I woke up feeling so lost
I was at a loss for words
not knowing if I would ever be able to articulate my words again
I splashed cold water on my face and squinted at myself in the mirror
yes, it was just me
but Ryan changed me that day
he was looking for a friend
he was just looking to connect with others
he just wanted to get to know someone and have them get to know him
he is probably one of the most humane people I have met in my life
I appreciated our moment together
thank you Ryan, for giving me an increased sense of kindness and belonging,
I should only be so lucky to have met you.

the Food Poisoning Incident

Just the smell of the terminal was nauseating
an ominous cloud of fear and hostility
ran right through me
as i entered the bathroom and yanked the day old contacts out of my tired eyes
i tried to relax and breathe
but the woman in the stale bore the ominous signs of my trip ahead.
'ahhhh... ughh' she grunted
with force she clutched her cane and started again
out the bathroom i went
weighed down with my body spent
i had no idea what getting on the bus meant

all on board
i began to sleep
dreams of disasters ahead
i awoke with such dread
i was shaking with heat and chill
and even though i wanted to go back to bed
my body had other plans instead.

my only saving grace was my pants, my socks and my proximity to the bathroom
because without these things
i would have been lying in my own vomit and so would he.
i locked the small vinyl door and before i knew it
the putrid smell of the days old feces lying in the bottom of the toilet hit me like an avalanche of poop vessels
like a gust of wind i couldn't bear to take in.
but that didn't matter once both of my hands were gripping the sides of the poop arsenal
my face was almost touching the sides of the toilet as i began puking into the bucket over and over
and over again.

i couldn't stop
it was like my insides wanted to come out too.
sweating profusely
tears streamed down my face
i grew tired of forcing up my lunch
soon I was sputtering back and forth as the bus lurched forward
i was brought down to my knees

no need to consider
that a lanky, detoxifying ruthie was banging against the walls with each push of a pedal

crash went my head onto the side of mirror
as the bus driver came to a sudden stop
lightheaded, dazed and bruised
i couldn't have been more unenthused